Stepping into a volatile conversation

It’s Sexual Assault Awareness time. And yes, I’m going to jump down that rabbit hole with this post, so consider yourself warned.  There are a myriad of topics to discuss here, from male victims to “rape culture” ( I despise that phrase) but instead of pointing out all the symptoms, I’m just going to go straight to the root of the problem, which is that people see other people as property.  Take a second here to note that I said people, not men, not boys, not assholes, not rapists, not women, bitches, whores or girls: People.

I recently shared a post on my personal Facebook page; many of you have seen it:  a woman wrote a post entitled The Anatomy of Rage and I felt it very accurately described my frustration with the state of society today. Now this article is specifically regarding the way men treat women, so that is going to be the focus of this post. Please bear in mind as you read this:  I do not believe that men are the problem just because they are men, women are just as much a part of this problem as men. I firmly believe this to be true and will probably do a follow up post on that very subject sometime in the future.

So, the post I shared talked about the experiences of this woman as she has gone through different scenarios in her life and the inappropriate comments and touching she has endured at the hands of her male colleagues/friends/acquaintances and even strangers.  Reading her words I was struck by the similarity of my own experiences. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times a man has touched me without my consent or sent me sexual pictures or text messages or whispered in my ear. In college there was a guy that was constantly sneaking up behind me to smell my hair, other people took note of it happening, but no one did anything about it, and let me tell you, if you have never experienced that, it is creeptastic.

                Chances are these men that have invaded my personal space and violated my being are in actuality nice men who just don’t know any better. They think the behavior is ok because as a society we teach a basic lack of respect for other people. We portray people as property, as objects, as things to be desired and touched and bought.  And women have gone along with it, for centuries.  We have created our own problems by waiting so long to speak out, and then by being resentful when we are offered protection or help from a man.  It creates a double edged sword for any man trying to change the norm.  So, what gives ladies? How is a man supposed to make a positive change if we react negatively?  A man is not disrespecting you if he sees you are being hassled and he steps up to make sure you are alright, so don’t bite his head off. It’s not a statement that you can’t take care of yourself; it’s a human being providing support to another human being. Now, if that guy then starts hassling you himself, well, that’s a whole new problem, but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

                Going back to the post I shared, I was for the most part, pleasantly surprised by the comments it received. Most people were just as appalled as I was, but predictably, there was one person who missed the point. I purposely did not respond to that person in detail, wanting to see how my friends, my male friends in particular would handle it.  I was disappointed that they didn’t step up at all.  It was pointed out to me that my friends know me and I generally stand up for myself and they may not want to be seen as stepping on my toes or disrespecting my post (a thing I appreciate) but that is not always the case and guy friends, I do not mind at all you speaking out, just for future reference.  What I did get though, were private messages from people explaining how incredulous they were at this one person’s comments. And that was cool, but, it was also unhelpful.  Bolstering the “victim” is wonderful, it lets them know they aren't alone, they are supported, they are valued, and rebuild confidence, all good. Except, now when the “victim” displays themselves confidently, the person that “victimized” them learns nothing, in fact they are positively reinforced for their behavior. It’s a strange thought to wrap your head around. I know.  So instead of just bolstering the victim, speak out to the assailant, educate, not attack. We can’t keep attacking people for acting in the way they have been taught to act.  Because talk about mixed signals.  Education is the key to prevention, so instead of “Hey you’re a pig and you deserve to die!” try having a reasonable conversation. Explain why what the person did was disrespectful, and don’t be a dick about it unless that becomes necessary. Because unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary to be a dick about it.

                You may be reading this and thinking, wow, this is confusing. That’s because it is. It’s a tough subject to tackle, it seems like it should be black and white. Except it’s not. It’s not black and white because we have been taught that people are objects to be admired and possessed. We have to change what we teach in order to affect change in the actions of society.  There is not a perfect solution for those of us caught in the middle of this mess. We can fight for reform to make things better for our kids, but the sad reality is that we have to deal with the ingrained education of the society we live in presently too.   And the present society is not a society for people; it is a society for masters and subjects.  We have to shift the focus back, away from sex and weight and money, and instead look at health and relationships and how to actually have a life.  We have to end the culture of extremism, because is it so incredibly damaging   and we have to stop expecting men to take all the blame for this. Education, not emasculation.  That is how we really make a change.