It's been awhile since I have updated this blog. A lot has changed in my life and in the world since I last spoke out this way, I can't tell you if I will update more regularly in the future, but I would like to think I will. Lately, I have been working on a book I have coming out next month. These last two days I have found myself staring at the manuscript, unable to type anything that works, and tonight I think I know why. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that what I need to say is something much bigger than the story I'm telling in that book.
Today, twelve people were murdered in the name of a god. Twelve people. Over a joke. Because someone was offended by what they had to say. Because someone was convinced that their god would be so offended by the mere pen-strokes of a mortal man. Twelve people are now gone from this world. This is an indefensible act, but still it happened, and there are people who will try to defend it. They will try to defend it and they will probably succeed. Why?
BECAUSE WE HAVE ALLOWED THIS TO BECOME THE NORM.
You read that right. The people of the world have allowed themselves to becomes so concerned with what offends them, with what might offend someone else, with what is "wrong" with the world and the people in it that we will sit back and allow ourselves to be, murdered, to be brainwashed, to be "fixed". But I refuse to be one of those people anymore. I set myself apart from the world and the people that inhabit it today. I want no part of it. I want no part of you.
Some of you will read that sentence and think that what follows will be a words praising the god of Christianity. You would think this because I have always believed it. I have always professed it. I have always given it credence. Those of you who have known me my entire life, I apologize to you. For I have mislead you in my need for acceptance, forgiveness and atonement, I have allowed myself and you to believe that I truly was a follower of this god. I am not. I have never truly been. I only recently allowed myself to consider this, but it is true. I do not believe in god.
I do not believe in any god, religion, being, organization, government or person that preaches love but practices violence, aggression, submission, slavery or forced inequality. Period. And I am not sorry for that. I am also not looking to be saved or evangelized or reborn. So please, don't waste my time.
That leaves the question of what do I believe in? The truth is I'm not sure. I'm not convinced there is a "higher power" out there beyond the universe itself. I believe that the human mind is a powerful tool that we all waste. I believe that the more we forget about our past, the more we doom our future. I believe in hard work and timing and true love. I believe in the power of words and the power of the individual. I believe in myself.
Some of you reading this will be a little saddened by my declaration. I am sorry to cause you pain. Some of you will be offended by my words. I will not apologize for that. One day I may write about all the things that are going on in this world that offend me. But really, no one cares about that. And why should they? Why should any of you care what offends me anymore than I should care about what offends you?
What happened today is not only on the hands of the men who wielded the weapons. It is on the hands of everyone that taught them to do what they did. It falls on the heads of men and women who throughout history have committed similar acts in the names of gods or men and have been hailed for it as heroes. The blame falls on us all.
Twelve people are dead. I cannot change what happened today, but I can teach my daughter to be better than the world is now. I can teach her to think for herself, to use her mind and not just her hands. I can do that.
I can use my time to find the truth in things. I can seek solutions. I can look past the masks of the masses and find the people lost in the fray.
So can you.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Saturday, May 17, 2014
A question or two
If he is going to be breaking your heart for the rest of the life, don't you think you should have stayed? At least then you would still be able to screw him too.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
An Honest list of Qualities I look for in a man
Every woman has her list of things she wants in a guy, whether she admits it or not, and usually those lists are full of odd Disney references, fantasy ideals and traits that would actually make the man one that they literally could never coexist with. So, after a rather emotional day that has concluded with me reminding myself of all the things that didn't work with my ex, I thought "Hey, let's make a list of thing I look for in a guy" then as I read the list, I was like, "wait. this guy already exists, and he's my ex for a reason, so maybe I should be a bit more honest with myself". The following is the list I came up with.
1.) You must be willing to clean, like deep clean, it would be best if you enjoyed doing it. Because I suck at cleaning and I kind of hate doing it. Another alternative would be that you are open to hiring a maid.
2.) I like gaming, and hanging out with guys. So let me be part of your circle and don't renege on it. I don't expect to be invited to everything, but really, not many girls in my area actually like doing the things that I like and I like to game: MTG, DND, Video and Board varieties.
3.) Be secure enough to understand that most of my friends are guys, accept that about me, get to know my friends and don't judge the relationships I have. I have them for a reason and they are extremely important to me, so take the fact that I choose to be with you and not with them as confirmation that you are who I want.
4.) Be a reader. Seriously, and while I would prefer some overlap in Authors/Genres it's not really required.
5.) Probably one the most important things on my list is come prepared to deal with my recent past, which include my incredible daughter and her dad. I am never going to put her second to anyone, and her dad and I may not have worked out, but he is an incredible dad to her and he is around and part of my life and will be a part of most major decisions while my daughter is growing up.
6.) Laugh a lot.
7.) Be willing to reassure me with physical contact, even when you're angry or we're fighting. It's bad enough to be fighting, if you refuse to touch me, I promise you, I will think you don't want me anymore and I will stop trusting you.
8.) Have a job, a car, and a place to live.
9.) Take me to midnight movies
10.) Be adventurous, I want to travel and do things other people might call (and have called) crazy, be willing to do them with me.
This list is not in any real order of importance because none of them are more important than any of the other of them, except for 5. That one is pretty damned important. Anyway, just my thoughts. Carry on.
1.) You must be willing to clean, like deep clean, it would be best if you enjoyed doing it. Because I suck at cleaning and I kind of hate doing it. Another alternative would be that you are open to hiring a maid.
2.) I like gaming, and hanging out with guys. So let me be part of your circle and don't renege on it. I don't expect to be invited to everything, but really, not many girls in my area actually like doing the things that I like and I like to game: MTG, DND, Video and Board varieties.
3.) Be secure enough to understand that most of my friends are guys, accept that about me, get to know my friends and don't judge the relationships I have. I have them for a reason and they are extremely important to me, so take the fact that I choose to be with you and not with them as confirmation that you are who I want.
4.) Be a reader. Seriously, and while I would prefer some overlap in Authors/Genres it's not really required.
5.) Probably one the most important things on my list is come prepared to deal with my recent past, which include my incredible daughter and her dad. I am never going to put her second to anyone, and her dad and I may not have worked out, but he is an incredible dad to her and he is around and part of my life and will be a part of most major decisions while my daughter is growing up.
6.) Laugh a lot.
7.) Be willing to reassure me with physical contact, even when you're angry or we're fighting. It's bad enough to be fighting, if you refuse to touch me, I promise you, I will think you don't want me anymore and I will stop trusting you.
8.) Have a job, a car, and a place to live.
9.) Take me to midnight movies
10.) Be adventurous, I want to travel and do things other people might call (and have called) crazy, be willing to do them with me.
This list is not in any real order of importance because none of them are more important than any of the other of them, except for 5. That one is pretty damned important. Anyway, just my thoughts. Carry on.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
My truth about Valentines Day and why I really hate it
Growing up in my house was such an amazing thing. As an adult with a daughter from a failed love, I realize how much effort my parents put into each other. How much they chose every day to love each other through everything, through the fighting and the hardships and the children and the history. My mother brought all the love in the world to our house, but this post is going to focus on my father.
My dad set the bar high for Valentines Day. Not because he always bough fancy/expensive/extravagant gifts (although he did that a couple of times) because he usually didn't. It was because he paid attention to the people he loved and made an effort to fill a need for them. Even a frivolous one, like my Junior year of high school, when I had exactly four real friends, and no guy had looked at me twice in weeks (at least not that I knew about) and I was surrounded by people who were definitely about to get stuff. My dad sent me flowers and balloons to school that year. It is the only time in my life that I have received flowers that way, and it was pretty special. I knew they were from my dad even if the card did read " Your Secret Admirer". I wasn't fooled, but I got to pretend I didn't know, I got to show them to my friends and laugh with them and let them tell me who they just knew had sent them. My dad gave me more than flowers that day, he gave me the ability to not feel left out. At a time in my life when I desperately needed it. And that is the only Valentines Day I really have fond memories of.
Since then I have either been single or alone on Valentines Day. The few years I have not been single, he was working, so we had to celebrate some other time, which shouldn't matter. But, it does. And those memories are tainted now, and the failure is too new to let them be anything but bitter. But even when they get to be something good again, they still fell short. Because no person has ever paid enough attention to me to give me the things I truly crave this time of year. And each year the things I want change, but the reason I hate this holiday, is not because it is a "fake" day for people to pretend to be in love, or some other drivel. It is because this day has always completely disappointed me ever since I left my childhood behind. I do not feel loved on this day, I do not feel wanted, no card or dinner or gift has ever filled that void in me.
It's not like I don't love myself, I do. But I am honest enough with myself and in turn you, to acknowledge that on this day, of all days, like every one else, I long to be truly loved by someone else and even when I was in love, I never really felt that completeness.
My dad set the bar high for Valentines Day. Not because he always bough fancy/expensive/extravagant gifts (although he did that a couple of times) because he usually didn't. It was because he paid attention to the people he loved and made an effort to fill a need for them. Even a frivolous one, like my Junior year of high school, when I had exactly four real friends, and no guy had looked at me twice in weeks (at least not that I knew about) and I was surrounded by people who were definitely about to get stuff. My dad sent me flowers and balloons to school that year. It is the only time in my life that I have received flowers that way, and it was pretty special. I knew they were from my dad even if the card did read " Your Secret Admirer". I wasn't fooled, but I got to pretend I didn't know, I got to show them to my friends and laugh with them and let them tell me who they just knew had sent them. My dad gave me more than flowers that day, he gave me the ability to not feel left out. At a time in my life when I desperately needed it. And that is the only Valentines Day I really have fond memories of.
Since then I have either been single or alone on Valentines Day. The few years I have not been single, he was working, so we had to celebrate some other time, which shouldn't matter. But, it does. And those memories are tainted now, and the failure is too new to let them be anything but bitter. But even when they get to be something good again, they still fell short. Because no person has ever paid enough attention to me to give me the things I truly crave this time of year. And each year the things I want change, but the reason I hate this holiday, is not because it is a "fake" day for people to pretend to be in love, or some other drivel. It is because this day has always completely disappointed me ever since I left my childhood behind. I do not feel loved on this day, I do not feel wanted, no card or dinner or gift has ever filled that void in me.
It's not like I don't love myself, I do. But I am honest enough with myself and in turn you, to acknowledge that on this day, of all days, like every one else, I long to be truly loved by someone else and even when I was in love, I never really felt that completeness.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Round 17....
Oh the horrors of Post Apocalyptic Serious Breakup dating....
1. You really thought you were so grown up-
until you saw the first attractive guy you've been truly allowed to notice in years. Suddenly, you're a giddy pre-teen idiot and you have to talk yourself out of following him around the grocery store. And it only gets worse
2. You can't remember all the things you've forgotten about men-
Especially when they start smiling at you, and you realize that you don't know what that smile means. And suddenly all of your newly renewed guy friendships are super suspicious. Crap. Are you being flirted with?
3.Speaking of flirting-
You're pretty sure you have no idea to do it. That well-placed giggle, it probably looked more like a spasm. What exactly is supposed to be funny. Cat-eyes? Is that still an attractive thing? What are men looking for these days?
4. And, what are they looking at?-
As you take inventory of every pound you gained in your relationship and where it landed on your body, every article of clothing becomes your enemy. You agonize over everything and end up in sweats because you can't stand to be looked at. So why are they still looking at you?
5. Because your GORGEOUS!!!-
Damn right. You are a sexy, luscious, goddess divine and any man would be lucky to be with you! (truth) And fat be damned, they will love you as you are, or just have to wish they had been smart enough to get you now instead of waiting for you to get back into that rocking bikini body.
6. Bikini! OMG! I must diet!-
Because seriously, summer. Water. Men. Me. I MUST LOOK AS AMAZING AS I AM!!!!
7. So, off to the gym you go-
and you realize you know, jack crap of nothing about using any of these odd devices that look like ancient machines of torture. So you walk, in circles, for a month, and then never come back.
8. And the guilt shows up-
because you if you gave up on yourself, then WHY would anyone every date you again?
9. Again? Oh holy TARDIS of Galifrey-
WHY am I so concerned with men? What have they ever done for me? Broke my heart. That's what. Screw men.
10. So you drink-
and realize you still want to get laid on a pretty regular basis. So, for that you definitely need a guy.
11. Stupid men.-
12. Well, if I'm going to do it-
Then I might as well do it right and start looking for the right guy. Only how will I know when I find him. I mean, I thought I already had found him and now I can't tell if the guy giving me the eye is flirting or staring at some mysterious object that may or may not be stuck in my hair
13. MY HAIR!!!-
I must change my hair. And suddenly, there I am. All fresh and new again. New confidence, new motivation. I LOVE ME!!!
14. I LOVE ME!!!-
And if I love me, then everybody else can love me. And if everybody else can love me....
15. Then THAT GUY can too!!
so you find yourself writing this new guys name over and over and over again. AND why does it always start like that? Why do you always turn into a ridiculous high-school girl with her first crush?
16. Crushed.-
because what if he doesn't like me back?
17. Who cares?
1. You really thought you were so grown up-
until you saw the first attractive guy you've been truly allowed to notice in years. Suddenly, you're a giddy pre-teen idiot and you have to talk yourself out of following him around the grocery store. And it only gets worse
2. You can't remember all the things you've forgotten about men-
Especially when they start smiling at you, and you realize that you don't know what that smile means. And suddenly all of your newly renewed guy friendships are super suspicious. Crap. Are you being flirted with?
3.Speaking of flirting-
You're pretty sure you have no idea to do it. That well-placed giggle, it probably looked more like a spasm. What exactly is supposed to be funny. Cat-eyes? Is that still an attractive thing? What are men looking for these days?
4. And, what are they looking at?-
As you take inventory of every pound you gained in your relationship and where it landed on your body, every article of clothing becomes your enemy. You agonize over everything and end up in sweats because you can't stand to be looked at. So why are they still looking at you?
5. Because your GORGEOUS!!!-
Damn right. You are a sexy, luscious, goddess divine and any man would be lucky to be with you! (truth) And fat be damned, they will love you as you are, or just have to wish they had been smart enough to get you now instead of waiting for you to get back into that rocking bikini body.
6. Bikini! OMG! I must diet!-
Because seriously, summer. Water. Men. Me. I MUST LOOK AS AMAZING AS I AM!!!!
7. So, off to the gym you go-
and you realize you know, jack crap of nothing about using any of these odd devices that look like ancient machines of torture. So you walk, in circles, for a month, and then never come back.
8. And the guilt shows up-
because you if you gave up on yourself, then WHY would anyone every date you again?
9. Again? Oh holy TARDIS of Galifrey-
WHY am I so concerned with men? What have they ever done for me? Broke my heart. That's what. Screw men.
10. So you drink-
and realize you still want to get laid on a pretty regular basis. So, for that you definitely need a guy.
11. Stupid men.-
12. Well, if I'm going to do it-
Then I might as well do it right and start looking for the right guy. Only how will I know when I find him. I mean, I thought I already had found him and now I can't tell if the guy giving me the eye is flirting or staring at some mysterious object that may or may not be stuck in my hair
13. MY HAIR!!!-
I must change my hair. And suddenly, there I am. All fresh and new again. New confidence, new motivation. I LOVE ME!!!
14. I LOVE ME!!!-
And if I love me, then everybody else can love me. And if everybody else can love me....
15. Then THAT GUY can too!!
so you find yourself writing this new guys name over and over and over again. AND why does it always start like that? Why do you always turn into a ridiculous high-school girl with her first crush?
16. Crushed.-
because what if he doesn't like me back?
17. Who cares?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
I am a woman, and if you are a man, you should know this...
I don't need you to fix me. I don't want you to try, I don't need an answer to every question, sometimes it is good for me to cry. I do need you to hold me, I need to know you care. I need to know that when I turn to you, you will be there. I don't need you to clean up all of my messes, but it would be nice if you noticed when I fall to pieces. There is more to me than weakness, and more to me than strength, I need to know you hear me, I need to know my words make you think. I need you to not fear me, and to tell me what you need. I want you to be near me, and miss me when you're not. I want to know you think I'm beautiful, so it doesn't hurt when you think she's hot. I need you to make me laugh, especially when I'm mad, and it's okay to love me while I'm good, but don't keep me from occasionally being bad. Don't stop me from walking away, and don't try to force me to speak, I don't want to regret my words because I did not have to think. I need you to not yell at me, and not to call me names. I want you not to label me, and for you, I will try to do the same. When you teach me something new and it turns out that I enjoy it, don't take it away from me then, don't make me feel bad for wanting to join in. Don't ask about my past, it is mine to share when I am ready, and if we're being honest, know that I am selfish and petty. I don't care about your old girlfriends unless they are affecting my life, it is imperative you don't lead me on, don't let me think I could be your wife and then change your mind about what you want. Don't not kiss me when your angry, it makes me feel rejected, and realize that when you stop holding my hand, our relationship is affected. It is more important than ever, that you hug me when you don't want too, I need to know that when you don't like me, you can love me too. If you don't like what I'm wearing, and I ask you what you think, tell the truth and then remind me that I'm gorgeous anyway. Remember that I'm fragile, in your hands more than others, and it doesn't matter how long we have been friends or lovers, I am a woman, and you are a man, and it's important that at least some of these things, you try to understand.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
A few tips for those with or soon to be getting Insurance
Ok, so let me be the first to understand that insurance is complicated. It has it's own set of words and definitions and it isn't always easy to understand. So what should you do when you are getting insurance? Well-Ask.
1.) Know your benefits. If you are going to the dr for any reason, call your insurance company and get your benefits quoted to you. Yes, your dr will also check, but you need to be informed. The best way to not get a nasty surprise, is to know what to expect.
2.) Understand that your insurance company has it's limits. There is to date, no standard pricing lists for medical services, your insurance company cannot tell you exactly what you will be paying when you go in for medical services
3.) Know the right way to ask your questions, so you get the answers you need. Call, go on your insurance website, whatever, but find out which dr is contracted with your insurance company before you see a dr. Find out how your insurance company deals with emergency treatments where you don't have a choice in who you see.
4.) Remember that each insurance company is bound by the laws of the state. If it is state law that a dr can bill you upfront for services, then they can. Your insurance company cannot do anything about it. So do your research and know the laws for your state.
5.) Set aside the time to contact your insurance company. If you have 15 minutes or less, it's not a good time to call. Plan ahead, be prepared to hold at some point in the call, understand that your plan is not the only plan that your insurance company handles and don't be nasty about it when your customer service rep needs to look deeper into your plan to answer your questions. It is better to be patient and get the answers you need than to get the wrong information or no information at all because you couldn't be bothered to plan ahead and call at a time when you could be patient
6.) Have your information when you call and enter it in the phone when it asks for it. Don't call in and say "Hi, this is sara, I have a general question..." There is no such thing as a general question when it comes to your insurance. All plans are specific. By entering your information when the horribly annoying automated system asks for it, you are 90% more likely to get to the right place the first time. The rep you are talking to will be able to pull up your info much faster and you will have a much better experience
7.) Know the terminology:
-Deductible: the amount of money that you are responsible to pay before your insurance will kick in on medical services not covered by preventative care laws or copays
-Copay: The set amount of money you pay up front for office visits, urgent care and emergency room. This does not count toward your deductible in most cases and only covers services that are part of the regular office visit, so paying a copay does not mean you will not anything else
-Coinsurance: This is amount of money you pay along with your insurance company. After your deductible is met, your insurance company will pay a certain percentage of your medical bills, say 80%. The remaining 20% is your responsibility and is called your coinsurance
-Out of Pocket Expense: This is the amount you will pay out of pocket after your deductible is met. It includes your coinsurance and in some cases your office copays
-Allowed Amount- This is the amount that your insurance company will pay for a service. If your dr is contracted with your insurance company(aka In Network) then they have to accept this amount and cannot bill you for any charges over that amount. IF however your dr is NOT contracted with your insurance company (aka Out of Network) then they can bill you for any charges over the allowed amount and your insurance company cannot do anything about it.
-In Network- contracted with your insurance company
-Out of Network- not contracted with your insurance company
There a lot of other terms, but those are the main ones that everyone should know. Basically what I am saying, is ask your questions ahead of time, and ask your insurance company, not your best friend or your agent or your doctor. The best way to be prepared is to be informed.
1.) Know your benefits. If you are going to the dr for any reason, call your insurance company and get your benefits quoted to you. Yes, your dr will also check, but you need to be informed. The best way to not get a nasty surprise, is to know what to expect.
2.) Understand that your insurance company has it's limits. There is to date, no standard pricing lists for medical services, your insurance company cannot tell you exactly what you will be paying when you go in for medical services
3.) Know the right way to ask your questions, so you get the answers you need. Call, go on your insurance website, whatever, but find out which dr is contracted with your insurance company before you see a dr. Find out how your insurance company deals with emergency treatments where you don't have a choice in who you see.
4.) Remember that each insurance company is bound by the laws of the state. If it is state law that a dr can bill you upfront for services, then they can. Your insurance company cannot do anything about it. So do your research and know the laws for your state.
5.) Set aside the time to contact your insurance company. If you have 15 minutes or less, it's not a good time to call. Plan ahead, be prepared to hold at some point in the call, understand that your plan is not the only plan that your insurance company handles and don't be nasty about it when your customer service rep needs to look deeper into your plan to answer your questions. It is better to be patient and get the answers you need than to get the wrong information or no information at all because you couldn't be bothered to plan ahead and call at a time when you could be patient
6.) Have your information when you call and enter it in the phone when it asks for it. Don't call in and say "Hi, this is sara, I have a general question..." There is no such thing as a general question when it comes to your insurance. All plans are specific. By entering your information when the horribly annoying automated system asks for it, you are 90% more likely to get to the right place the first time. The rep you are talking to will be able to pull up your info much faster and you will have a much better experience
7.) Know the terminology:
-Deductible: the amount of money that you are responsible to pay before your insurance will kick in on medical services not covered by preventative care laws or copays
-Copay: The set amount of money you pay up front for office visits, urgent care and emergency room. This does not count toward your deductible in most cases and only covers services that are part of the regular office visit, so paying a copay does not mean you will not anything else
-Coinsurance: This is amount of money you pay along with your insurance company. After your deductible is met, your insurance company will pay a certain percentage of your medical bills, say 80%. The remaining 20% is your responsibility and is called your coinsurance
-Out of Pocket Expense: This is the amount you will pay out of pocket after your deductible is met. It includes your coinsurance and in some cases your office copays
-Allowed Amount- This is the amount that your insurance company will pay for a service. If your dr is contracted with your insurance company(aka In Network) then they have to accept this amount and cannot bill you for any charges over that amount. IF however your dr is NOT contracted with your insurance company (aka Out of Network) then they can bill you for any charges over the allowed amount and your insurance company cannot do anything about it.
-In Network- contracted with your insurance company
-Out of Network- not contracted with your insurance company
There a lot of other terms, but those are the main ones that everyone should know. Basically what I am saying, is ask your questions ahead of time, and ask your insurance company, not your best friend or your agent or your doctor. The best way to be prepared is to be informed.
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